Not one to back down from a challenge, Skai finally has come of an age where she has realized her ineffectiveness as a member of the body of Christ. It was a hard pill to swallow, but she finally understood how mislead she had been over the years.  Now, she is determined to move in obedience to God's will concerning her life.

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Skai spent decades on the pew of countless churches, seeking God, and trying to navigate the challenges of life. Highly educated (a bad thing according to some), and poised, Skai found herself church hopping the minute anything seemed off about a ministry. There were times that Skai stopped attending church altogether, exhausted with the hypocrisy all that was going on at work, and in life as a single mom, all those years.  

 

No one at any church she ever attended really cared about Skai. At her worst, she sought fellowship with the saints. But her mistake was being too vulnerable and open about her situation at various stages of her life. Her confessions were weaponized against her to scare her into compliance - or else. What a horrible experience she had while raising her baby boy. She was a single mother at church, and it always seemed like she was being quietly judged for not being married.

 

"There seems to be a caste system in all churches, where people are put into categories and are treated according to what they have to offer, either socially or financially.  Nobody seems interested in what they have to offer one another spiritually, emotionally, or relationally.  Church seems so transactional," Skai thought as she swayed to the praise and worship team.  

 

She inconspicuously perused the room, examining the congregation as they became swept up in the music as if entranced and moved by the presence of God. She had seen it all before.  The hooping, the hollering, the face-planter, the marathon runner, the fanner, and the hype-women who would shout, "amen" before the pastor could finish a sentence.  Mentally distracted by the environment, she observed a number of women in this church who reminded her of herself 20 years earlier. Young women who could have been anywhere, but chose to be in the presence of the Lord.  She admired their devotion and vowed to be to them what most older women (outside of her mother) had been to her. Skai knows the struggle all too well and felt like God called her to be there for them.

 

She immediately identified the haves and have nots.  She remembered how she felt during her life on the pew, now a first-time visitor at this mega-church in her new town.  "If you had money, and a spouse, you are the quintessential saint. If you were well-educated with a great job, (married or single) you were an acceptable saint. If you were related to anyone in the ministry, you are automatically quintessential saint by proxy. Albeit, PKs, and other Christian royals were as carnal as everyone else, but they always got a pass and never lost their status. And of course, if you are a man in the church at all, you are immediately welcomed, supported, mentored, prayed over, invited to all the sports events, and embraced into the boy's club.  It didn’t matter if they had one or six baby mothers, no one had to know because they were men.

 

Out of sight, out of mind - right? But if you were a single woman, you were scrutinized for how you dressed, walked, how long you kept eye contact with anybody, whether you served in a number of ministries or not, who you brought to church, whether you were present at every extracurricular church activity, whether you were in obedience to everything your leader said, and any other characteristic you possessed that accounts for why you ain’t got no man. None of these things matter of course if you were among the elite in the church. Those single women were exempt from cruel treatment.  And they seem to be charged over the single women in the church, as they pretended to be perfect Christians.  They were allowed to bully, gossip, and size up the single women who were then put into their own caste systems – sub-castes.  The lowest of these castes were the single mothers (whether by divorce, death, or never being married) the stigma cast upon this group of women in church brought about a particular weight of shame and judgment that could never be avoided or hidden like their male counterparts - the single dads."

 

Many single women in the church have had abortions to maintain the façade of innocence. But God’s eyes are everywhere, sis.  These are the same women who used to roll their eyes at Skai as she declined invitations to certain outings, they would have because she had no sitter.  Eventually the invitations stop coming and Skai became invisible in the eyes of these 'Saints.' 

 

With no support from her son’s father, Skai, often struggled financially. No one seem to care why she couldn’t give as much as everybody else was giving every Sunday.  She recalled the guilt that washed over her every time it was time for tithes and offering, “will a man rob God?” That question used to pierce her soul. She knew in her heart that she wasn’t trying to rob God. She just couldn't afford to give.  She was barely making ends, meet in her youth, paying for daycare, and working a low paying job.  She was highly educated and under employed.

 

It just felt like everybody’s eyes were always on her as she passed the collection plate onward to the next person without giving some Sundays. This was all in her imagination of course. Skai was very insecure in those days. Oh, and the look on the women’s faces when she said she would not be attending the women’s conference this year. The glares and side eyes were like daggers. “Why are church people so judgmental?” She used to wonder to herself.  “They don’t know, and I’m not about to tell them that my electricity was out for three days this past week.” She could imagine their feedback going something like, “well, if you would stop withholding money from God, and serve more, you would not be going through all of that.”  These women had no compassion in their hearts.  They were vicious and judgmental. "It's best not to get involved with these people," she started to believe as she developed the transactional mindset.  

 

Skai was in need of real friends, mentors, and a strong support system - but she never found that at church - ever!  Which only exacerbated her depression, causing severe challenges in her life. So, when life got tough, Skai got going. She couldn’t turn to her church for help. She simply and quietly stopped going. No one missed her and no one cared.

 

Church never was her safe space. It was not a place to go to be real. It had become a place that was unrecognizable even from the messiness of her childhood church in the hood.  At least then, people seemed to understand the struggle and be there for one another.  Everyone knew everyone else, the good the bad, and the ugly.  Still gossipy, people were actually fun to be around, and the older ladies would shove a $20 bill in the hand of a person, if lead by the Holy Spirit.  That was Skai's mom - she was an absolute angel, a wife, a mother, a Christian educator and the embodiment of true Christianity. She stood up to the mean ladies in the church and made them think about the impact of their behavior towards the young ladies. 

 

Now, as she stood in her mega ministry pew, section as close as she was allowed to sit, not being a partner and all - Skai fondly recalled the smell of fried chicken, filling the sanctuary of her childhood church, as the sermons seem to go into its third hour during her teen years.  Skai chuckled to herself as she reminisced about the agony of sitting there, hungry and desperate to run to the basement of the church to chow down on that chicken. She and her friends would giggle quietly amongst themselves as they plotted their exit strategy to leave the sanctuary as fast as possible when church let out, so they could be first in line.  

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Snapping back into the present moment, Skai bowed, her head with the rest of the congregation as the pastor prays before his sermon.  “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you. Oh God. Amen!” And the church said, amen, as everyone’s heads lifted and their eyes opened, in anticipation to hear from the Lord. The pastor asked everyone to grab their Bible.  

 

Skai grabbed her tablet.  She had been away from church for a very long time, in true fashion due to depression. She seemed to be facing challenges in every area of her life, as usual. She thought, “God you must really be about to do something significant in my life because everything that can go wrong has.  So, God please send a message today that will give me clarity on the steps that you will have me to take from this moment on. There are some things that I cannot change and I’m asking you to help me to accept those things and move forward without bitterness or distress. Lord, I need restoration and guidance. I don’t understand why you would allow these things to happen.

 

Everything was going so right, in fact, it was so easy this time. All the right doors were opening, and we were about to walk into a new season. Why do things seem to always go this way, no matter what I do. The outcomes are always the same. Maybe I’m just not supposed to be doing this at all. I don’t understand it really. I was on the brink of suicide when you delivered me. You gave me a song in the mist of that storm. I guess the song was just for my deliverance and healing. I thought I was supposed to bless others with that testimony, but now I’m not even sure anymore if this is what you actually called me to do. The way everything played out, I just don’t understand God.“ The pastor started reading from Luke, Chapter 11 and everything was about change for Skai in ways she could not have imagined. "Amen, you may be seated." And so it begins.